


Christmas Cheer Brownies

by SonjaJade



Series: The Stoner Series [3]
Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Drug Use, Gen, Marijuana, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Recreational Drug Use, Underage Drug Use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-05
Updated: 2014-01-12
Packaged: 2018-01-07 14:18:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1120864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SonjaJade/pseuds/SonjaJade
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for the 2013 12 Days of Ficmas community on Live Journal, part of the Stoner Series.</p><p>Roy and the boys are having a Christmas party, complete with 'special' brownies.  But when Roy's aunt decides to join in the fun, not knowing the brownies have been doctored, all hell breaks loose.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The kitchen at the Mustang’s house smelled delicious.  There were loads of cookies scattered over several plates, proper alcoholic egg nog in a fat pitcher sitting in one side of the sink, nestled in ice, and Braeda was pulling fresh brownies out of the oven.  
  
“And these will really get us high?” Havoc asked sniffing at the pan.  
  
“You better believe it.  And now we’ve got all the munchies we need!”  He nodded at Roy who was sitting on the couch next to Riza.  “And you know she’d never smoke with us, but I bet she’ll eat a few brownies.”  
  
Ling and Ed were talking to another girl, Sciezka, as _Jeopardy!_ ’s closing credits rolled.  The Chinese boy had sold to her before, so getting her to ‘puff-puff-pass’ wasn’t going to be a problem, and Braeda figured once Riza got a little messed up on the brownies, she would join right in with the rest of them.  
  
“Roy!” Havoc yelled.  “C’mere a minute!”  
  
The young man seemed reluctant to leave the girl of his dreams on the couch to possibly interact with Ling and Ed, but he joined his friends in the kitchen.  “What?”  
  
“You think we should smoke now or after Riza’s had some brownies?”  
  
He scratched his head and looked down at his shoes.  “I think we should tell her.  I mean, I don’t want her to get angry at me…”  His face brightened.  “Maybe she’ll eat them willingly!”  
  
Before Braeda could tell him to shut up, Roy’s aunt came around the corner and said “Damn, Braeda-boy!  Those smell delicious!”  
  
He blushed, then smiled.  “Thank you, Ms. Mustang!  Mom’s secret recipe y’know!”  
  
“I’m gonna cut me one!”  
  
The three of them collectively scrambled for the pan.  “I don’t think you’ll want these, they’ve got a strong mint baked into them!”  
  
“Nonsense, brownies are brownies!  And you’re using my damn kitchen to do this in, so this is my payment!”  she reached for a knife and started slicing the chocolatey goodness.  
  
“I really don’t think that’s a good idea, Aunt Chris,” Roy tried to reason.  “The doctor said your diabetes is acting up, and this might send you into a sugar coma.”  
  
She ignored him cutting a big square and taking a big bite.  She hummed in appreciation, then said, “Roy, shut up.  Braeda, make another batch of these just for me.”  Then she disappeared into another room before coming back and asking if anyone had seen her cigarettes.  Roy rubbed at his temples and Braeda handed her a half empty pack of Camels and she went back to her room.  
  
“She’s going to skin us all once she figures it out.”  
  
“She’ll be high, she won’t do anything until later when we’ve had time to make our escape,” offered Braeda.  “Maybe she’ll like it.”  
  
“And Riza?” asked Havoc.  
  
Braeda and Roy looked at each other.  “I’ll make a fresh batch- a _clean_ one.  Looks like we’ll be putting these in our private stash,” Braeda replied as he opened another box of brownie mix.  “We’ll have to blaze the old fashioned way I guess.”  
  
Just as he was sitting the pan in the oven, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer came on.  And that was when Aunt Chris’ voice erupted in joyful, raspy singing in her bedroom.  
  
The boys looked at each other, then Roy closed his eyes and bowed his head.  
  
“She’s been hit by the _Chinese Eyes_ ,” he groaned, referring to Ling’s homegrown strain of cannabis.


	2. Chapter 2

Chris knew damn well when she agreed to let her nephew invite some friends over to the main house for some kind of Christmas party that there would some kind of hijinks involved.  Oh, he thought he was slick, hiding his weed paraphernalia inside his socks, carefully scraping the tobacco out of cigarettes and repacking them with pot, though he wasn’t very good at hiding the no less than twenty bottles of Visine he had lying around his pool house apartment…  She wasn’t going to tell him what to do with his money, but she would have liked for him to tell her about his little habit, simply as a gesture of trust.  After all, she’d never said anything to him about his drinking.  So when the three boys who practically lived with her scrambled to keep the brownies out of her hands, she knew they’d doctored them up, and she saw her chance to make him fess up about his secret lifestyle.  
  
She crumbled the brownie into her toilet and flushed it, but _they_ didn’t have to know that.  
  
Chris was planning on watching the Christmas shows anyway, but certainly not with a room full of pubescent teenagers.  So she turned her TV on and flipped it to the same channel as what was playing in the den.  And then she decided to teach those boys a lesson.  
  
She laughed to herself, then sang out loudly, “Rudolph with your nose so bright! Won’t you guide my sleigh tonight?”  
  
She heard one of the girls laughing.  Likely her nephew was stricken with panic at the thought of his aunt being high as a kite.  Almost unable to contain her laughter, she went on with the act.  The character Burl Ives portrayed came on screen, and she howled, “Sam the Snow- _man_! You look like ice cream!  I could _eat you up_ , baby!”  Then she made some outrageous moaning as if she were licking an ice cream cone, then turned and buried her face in a pillow to laugh her guts up.  
  
She kept up with her commentary, singing along to every song at the tip top of her lungs and laughing hysterically at stuff that wasn’t supposed to be _that_ funny.  She wailed when the commercial break came on, and that’s when she ran out into the kitchen with crocodile tears running down her face.  
  
“Isn’t it awful!?” she cried, reaching for a big handful of cookies.  “Just knowing that beautiful baby is going to be called names and teased- I don’t know if I can watch this!”  
  
“Aunt Chris, are you alright?” Roy asked worriedly.  “You’ve never acted like this when we watched in the past…”  
  
She sobbed even louder.  “Oh, now I remember when you were just a little guy and we used to watch it on the couch together!”  She held her hand to her forehead and sniffled.  “And we’d string popcorn while we watched and hang it out in the morning for the animals- You’re too big to watch with me now, aren’t you?”  
  
Roy’s face was that of perfect guilt.  “Aww, Aunt Chris.  I’ll never be too old to watch with you.”  He got up and gave her a big hug.  “Do you want to watch with us?  There’s room out here.”  
  
The perfect opportunity to truly embarrass him had fallen in her lap.  Of course she would take the chance.  
  
“Well, I don’t want to ruin your little get-together…”  
  
“Whatever,” he scoffed, guiding her to the sofa where he sat her in between him and Braeda, the one who’d professed to have a big crush on her.  “You want a drink or something?”  
  
She licked her lips comically.  “Y’know, I am _really_ thirsty.”  She put her hand on Braeda’s knee and squeezed, trying to make her eyes round and goofy, like a stoned person might look.  “Get me a beer, wouldja Braeda-Boy?”  
  
He swallowed thickly as he got to his feet.  “Yes, ma’am!”  
  
She could feel everyone’s eyes on her as she rejoiced over the program coming back on.  The Chinese kid smiled at her as the blonde boy next to him shook his head.  Oh, yes.  Roy was going to learn that you don’t dope up food without telling everyone.


	3. Chapter 3

Shit was getting a little too weird for Ed.  First off, their usual little clique was expanded by two girls he barely knew, and Roy’s aunt- damn, was there even a way to describe what the fuck that woman was all about?  Braeda had told them she was the coolest old lady around, but Ed had his doubts.  
  
He rose from the floor, Mountain Dew bottle in hand, and caught Havoc’s eye.  He gestured toward the back door with his head and patted his coat pocket- the signal among them to get their smoke on.  Havoc nodded and they ducked out while Ms. Mustang was distracted with Yukon Cornelius’ arrival, and Ed shook his head as he pulled out a glass pipe.  
  
“Damn, I thought I’d seen it all with people’s folks!” he commented as he packed the bowl quickly.  
  
“Most times she really is pretty cool,” Havoc said as he watched Braeda’s head bob through the kitchen and then disappear into the den.  “We were going to have some special brownies but she got into them before we could get the clean ones made, so she’s in there higher than a cat’s back and don’t know it.”  
  
Ed’s jaw dropped as his eyebrows shot up in surprise.  “No shit?  Well, that explains a lot!”  He took out a lighter and lit up, drawing the smoke deep into his lungs before passing it to Havoc.  He held it in a few moments before blowing it out and saying, “At any rate, this oughtta help take some of the edge off when dealing with her.  Think she’ll get sleepy soon?”  
  
Havoc shrugged, then wheezed as he exhaled, “Hard to say.  I don’t think she’s ever been stoned before.”  
  
“Got any more brownies left?”  Ed asked before sucking in another hit.  
  
Havoc nodded.  “In a baggie hiding behind the cereal in the top left cabinet, the one over the stove.  When we go in, I’ll snag ya one, Shorty.”  
  
He shoved the pipe at him and frowned.  “Shut up, Shaq.  We can’t all be six-four.”  
  
They heard the door open and out of reflex, Havoc quickly stuck the pipe behind his back, only to relax once he saw it was just Sciezka.  
  
She walked up to Havoc and grabbed his hand, looking into the bowl.  Then she tipped her head back and grinned.  “Got any left in there for me?”  
  
Ed snickered as the guy’s face pinked a little.  Havoc handed her the last of it, assuring her he had more if that wasn’t enough.  Ed left them to see what the situation in the den was.  
  
As soon as he opened the door, he stood and watched a moment, then turned around and came right back outside.  
  
“Nope, nope, nope…” he declared loudly, a half grin on his face.  
  
“What’s she doing now?” Havoc asked.  
  
“ ** _Twerking!!_** ” he cried as he burst out laughing.  
  
Sciezka started to giggle and Havoc was now standing with his jaw dropped wide open.  
  
“What!?”  
  
Ed was on his knees and in the ‘duck and cover’ position, sobbing with laughter.  “Fuckin’ bat is twerking!  And Braeda-“ he was overcome with wheezing laughter as Havoc rushed for the door to see for himself.  
  
“Holy shit!” the tall blonde hollered from the door.  “C’mon now, Auntie!  You’ll break a hip like that!”  
  
That made Ed howl even louder, and now Sciezka, who was completely consumed by the _Chinese Eyes_ , joined in his hysterics.  All at once, Havoc came running back to the two of them holding his guts and crying with laughter.  
  
“What-” Ed tried, then began again.  “What’s she doing now!?”  
  
“She fuckin’ hauled Braeda off the couch and is doing that stupid Blurred Lines thing with him like Miley did at the Grammys!  She’s all over him!”  They guffawed at it all, Havoc going on to say how mortified Braeda looked when she grabbed his hands and put them on her hips.  “Poor Braeda!  He didn’t know what to do!”  
  
Sciezka stopped laughing long enough to sit up from the concrete and wipe the tears from her eyes, then suggested, “We should go in and watch this train wreck instead of sitting out here missing it all!  Besides, the look on Roy’s face has _got_ to be priceless!”  
  
Havoc smiled at her and stuck his hand out to help her to her feet, then helped Ed to his.  “When you’re right, you’re right!”  He put his arm around her shoulders and Ed followed them back into the house- to whatever insanity awaited them.


	4. Chapter 4

Braeda was sweating bullets and praying to any god that would listen that he could control himself.  That curvaceous, vivacious, and salacious woman Roy called Aunt Chris was bent over before him, shaking her ass like she was born to do it, backed right up to his groin and rubbing what she must be able to feel growing under her…  
  
“C’mon Braeda Boy!  Hands on my hips!” she cried, grabbing his hands and putting them on her gyrating body.  
  
He didn’t need a mirror to know his face was red as a beet.  And dear lord, was she trying to make him crazy?  His embarrassment was rivaled only by Roy’s, though it was hard to think about anything other than the glorious warm rump rubbing against him through several layers of clothing.  
  
Ling was rolling on the floor, the DVR presentation of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer paused as Riza did her best not to laugh too loudly.  Havoc came in with Sciezka and Ed, and had pulled up _Blurred Lines_ on his phone… and Ms. Mustang started singing-  
  
“I’m a gooood giirrl!  I know you want it!  Brae-da Boy wants it!”  
  
Ling stopped crying with laughter long enough to cry out, “Do you two need some privacy?”  
  
Braeda was so mortified that he was sure he was going to vomit.  And then, a Christmas miracle- the timer for the fresh brownies went off and he quickly turned and raced into the kitchen.  He’d never been more thankful to hear that annoying beeping in all his life.  
  
“Awww, Braeda!” she moaned ridiculously as she stood back up.  Then she danced her way toward him slowly and he began trying to think of a way to get away from her.  
  
“Let’s have some fun, this beat is sick!” she sang to him.  “I wanna take a ride on your disco stick!”  
  
“Sorry, Madame!  Hot brownies in my hand!  Better stay back!”  He knew that wasn’t going to hold her off for long- but then she surprised him.  She looked like she was going to kiss him, but she whispered instead to him instead.  
  
“Help me embarrass Roy.”  
  
Straight as an arrow.  She was fooling them all.  “A-alright,” he answered.  
  
She threw her arms around him and honest-to-god kissed him!  On the mouth!  And he was standing in her kitchen, one oven mitt clad hand holding a pan of fresh brownies and the other simply in the air as if he were giving the invisible man a high five.  He honestly kissed her back and she grunted in surprise.  Then she started dancing against him as if he were a stripper pole.  He leaned away from her and sat the brownies down on the stove top, then freed his hands from the mitts and started dancing with her in the kitchen.  
  
He wasn’t great at singing, but thankfully Lady Gaga wasn’t really much of a singer either.  “So hoooold me and loooove me, just wanna touch you foooor a minute- Maybe three seconds is eeenough for my hearrrrrt to quit it!”  
  
From the den came Roy’s voice, “Aww, fuck man!”  
  
Ms. Mustang squealed and cried out, “Roy!  He knows Lady Gaga songs!”  
  
“Aunt Chris, I think it’s time you go back to your room!” he yelled.  “You’re not even watching Rudolph anymore!”  
  
“Shut up, Roy!” she sassed back.  “This is a party!  So let’s _party!_ ”  
  
She turned back to him. “Play along,” she muttered under her breath.  Then louder, she said, “Braeda, you ever snort coke before?”  
  
His jaw dropped, and so did everyone else’s.  “No…  But I’ll try it- if you got some.”  
  
She grinned and nodded.  “Be right back, baby!”  She reached around and squeezed his ass before kissing his cheek and leaving the room.  
  
Roy raced to his side.  “What the fuck are you doing!?”  
  
“Dude- she totally came on to me and I’m running with it!”  
  
“ _Cocaine_ , Braeda!  That’s the fucking _opposite_ of pot!  You’ll have a heart attack and keel over dead!”  Roy ran his fingers through his hair.  “Dammit, this was supposed to be a good time for everyone and my damn aunt has to go and ruin everything!”  
  
Ms. Mustang returned with a hand mirror, a tiny baggie, a razor blade and a tightly rolled up dollar bill.  “You know how this works, right Braeda-Boy?” she asked as she moved Roy out of her way with her wide hips.  He nodded as everyone crowded around the table and watched as she separated a small bit and cut it finely with the razor.  After arranging it in a neat, narrow line, she took the bill and snorted it off the mirror, shivering like someone with a cold chill.  Then she gave a loud whoop at the ceiling as she passed the bill to Braeda, who had no idea what it was she actually snorted.  
  
He looked her in the eyes, trying to figure out a way to ask her what was on the mirror.  She gave him the razor and told him to try and cut it himself.  As he was bent over, he felt a tapping at the small of his back, off to one side, then tracing.  She was spelling.  The word was ‘flour’.  Hell, he’d snorted enough flour making biscuits at home.  He could do this.  
  
He asked her approval on the line he’d made, then took the bill and looked at his friends gathered around the table.  “If I die, don’t tell my mom I was singing Lady Gaga and snorting coke.  She’ll raise me from the dead and kill me again.”  
  
Roy was looking at him sadly, and Havoc even had a worried expression on his usually goofy and light hearted face.  Then he bent and snorted the fake coke without a problem, and did as Ms. Mustang had- whooped as loud as he could and then ran around the house like a madman.  He whipped off his shirt and threw it at Ling, then grabbed Roy’s aunt and started dancing all over again.  
  
Then there was a loud knocking at the front door, and everyone’s eyes went wide as dinner plates.  
  
“This is Central Police, open the door!”


	5. Chapter 5

Their beat was just about over.  That meant going home to wives and children, a decent home cooked meal, and a ball game of some kind if they were lucky.  Miles looked down at his watch.  “Ready to knock off?”  
  
Mike ‘The Buccaneer’ Smith nodded.  “Ready for a beer and some sweats!”  He reached into his pocket for the keys to the cruiser when his cell phone went off.  The caller ID read ‘Mustang/The Cha-Cha Club’, and was a text.  He tapped the glass to read it.  
  
‘Need ur help. House full of teenagers who think drugs r cool. Snorting fake coke come to my house and fake arrest evryone’  
  
He laughed before reading it out loud to Miles.  “Whaddya say?  Wanna scare the piss outta some kids?”  
  
An evil grin was all the answer he needed.  “Sounds like fun.”

* * *

 

_BANG BANG BANG!_

“This is Central Police, open the door!” Buccaneer shouted.  He turned to Miles, “Go around back and make sure nobody escapes.”

After about five minutes and a threat to knock down the door, Madame Chris opened the door and winked at him.  “Hello officer, what seems to be the problem?”

“Got a noise complaint, ma’am.  Also, some of the neighbors said they smelled marijuana being smoked.  I’ve got a warrant to come in and check the place, so if you’ll just let me in…”

She put on a good act, stammering that as far as she knew, no one had anything stronger than cigarettes.  He got in her face with a flashlight and looked into her eyes.  “Your eyes are a little bloodshot, ma’am.  Are you under the influence of anything yourself?”

She blinked comically, then stuttered, “W-why no!  Goodness me, with a-a-all these kids- it would be _irresponsible_ of me!  I haven’t even had a beer!”  She backed up into the kitchen, a crowd of about four teenagers behind her and watching every single interaction.  Then the sound of the back door opening could be heard and Miles’ voice telling the tallest kid to duck as he shoved him into the house.

“Caught these three out back.  Looks like they were trying to find a way over the fence, but two of them were too short.”

“I’m not short!” the blond headed boy protested.  “Everyone looks short compared to Frankenstein there!”

“These three all smell like weed.  Have you found anything yet?”

Every civilian in the room had a perfect look of horror on their face.  While Buccaneer prided himself on being a good cop that people liked, there was a little bit of satisfaction in knowing he could be intimidating when he needed to be.  “I haven’t started looking.  Maybe we should.”

He ordered the boys to line up against the wall in the hallway, to ‘assume the position’, and Miles began with the shortest one.  It didn’t take him long to find the glass pipe, fresh resin coating the bowl, a half pack of cigarettes, and a well used Bic lighter.  His partner started chuckling.

“Well, lookie here, Buc!  Pretty little pipe!”

“How old are you, shorty?” Buccaneer asked him.

“S-sixteen, sir.”

He shook his head.  “Underage and in possession of marijuana paraphernalia _and_ cigarettes.  You got anything else we need to find before we strip search you at the station?”

He nodded.  “Bag of weed, right shoe by my arch.”

Buccaneer reached down and pulled it out, then handed it to Miles.  He put his hands behind his back and cuffed him in the plastic zip ties.  He turned him around and told him not to move.  Then they moved on to the fat one.

“Okay, chubbs.  You got anything I need to know about?” Miles asked as he patted him down.

“No, sir.”

“You under the influence of anything?”

“No, sir.”

Miles pulled a pack of rolling papers from the boy’s wallet and clucked his tongue.  “Shame on you, lying to me like that.  Now I gotta cuff you too!”  He did so and stood him next to Shorty as Buccaneer started on Pretty Boy.

“What’s your name, kid?”

“Roy Mustang,” he grumbled.

“You high, Roy?”

He hesitated, then said, “A little, sir.”

“Didja smoke up?” he said as he checked the pockets of Roy’s jacket.

“Yeah…  maybe three hours ago.”

Buccaneer whistled and Miles nodded.  “Three hours ago and you’re still a little high?  Sounds like some good stuff!”  Roy nodded and looked down at his feet.  “Got anything in your pockets, bud?”

“Half a blunt in my cigarettes.  And I’m eighteen.”

Buccaneer sighed.  “So young to be such smokers.”  He found the case and peeked inside.  Sure enough, there was the blunt, but there was also a baggie with a pill inside.  Then he saw what it was.  “Why you got a Viagra in here?  You ain’t got enough pep in your step or something?”

“No… just wanted to make sure I lasted long enough for this girl…”

“That’s not how Viagra works, pal.  So possession of an illegal substance and possession of a prescription drug not belonging to him.  And admitted under the influence…  That’s ten years of your life at least, gone.”  He cuffed him and stood him with the others.

Miles found more pot on both Wilt Chamberlain and Jackie Chan, and they explained to the girls that they would have to be patted down at the station by a female officer.  They were cuffed as well and told to join the boys.

Then Madame walked over and patted him on the arm.  “Great job, Buc.  They never knew what hit ‘em.”

They all looked over at them with bewildered faces.  “Well, I knew you wouldn’t call in a favor like that unless it was important.  And this _was_ important.”

In a matter of moments, Madame went from coked up crazy lady trying to act like a the sweet grandmother next door, to being a drill sergeant.  In a loud clear voice, she shouted, “Listen up!  We’re gonna have us a little talk, and by the time I’m finished, we’ll all have a better understanding of what’s going to happen on my property, got it!?”

When no one answered, she yelled again and the group was frantically nodding and replying in the affirmative.  He put his hat on and smiled at the woman.  “Good luck!  Just cut the ties off with good strong kitchen scissors when you’re finished with them!”

She waved them out the door and Miles laughed.  “Those kids are going to be scared straight or will never set foot in this house again, one of the two.”

“I think Madame’s going to show them how to be a little smarter about their habits.  In the mean time, I’m beyond ready to go home.”  Their duties complete at last, they left for the station.


	6. Chapter 6

Roy was pissed.  The bad thing was Aunt Chris was loads more pissed than he was.  
  
“How long you been smoking weed, Roy?”  She was pacing in front of them, livid and shouting.  “Answer me boy, or I’ll slap the shit outta ya!”  
  
“I dunno!” he shot back.  “Maybe a year or so?”  
  
She nodded.  “And how long you been drinking?”  
  
He gave her a puzzled look.  “You gave me my first drink on my sixteenth birthday!”  
  
She got in his face and he tried to back up, but the wall behind him kept that from happening.  “So why didn’t you tell me you started smoking weed?”  
  
He looked away from her and she grabbed his face and _made him_ look at her.  “Because I thought you’d be pissed!”  
  
She took a deep breath.  “Listen.  I know you’re gonna do things.  I know you’re gonna want to be cool and do things behind my back.  But this shit is _serious_.  If you drink and you’re not legal, you get a warning and a fine.  You smoke cigarettes underage, they just take them away from you.  You get caught with this other shit and it’s _jail_ , Roy!  And this goes for _all_ of you!  Any one of you gets caught with weed and it’s over!  No Christmas!  No hanging out at the mall!  No part time job you hate!”  
  
She went into the kitchen and grabbed the meat scissors, all of them staring helplessly after her.  Roy shifted his weight and said, “I’m sorry.”  
  
“You’re damn right, you’re sorry!  Roy, I don’t care if you smoke weed- ain’t nobody ever died from it and all you can get is fat!  But honey, if something happened and you got hauled in and they found that shit on you?  All the favors in the world couldn’t save you.  I don’t want to lose you, not when we already lost your mom and daddy.”  
  
He turned away from her and felt guilty as hell.  He’d made her worry and hadn’t been honest with her, and he’d always been able to talk to her about anything- she’d raised him since his parents died, and look at him now.  He was a disgrace to his parents’ memory.  
  
“Honey,” she said as she turned him around and cut the plastic from his wrists.  “When I heard you were trying to think of a way to get Riza high without her knowledge, I knew I had to do something before this all got out of hand and you started drugging girls and raping them.”  
  
Riza glared at him from her place on the row.  He was going to tell his aunt that that was never what he wanted to do when Braeda said it for him.  
  
“No, Roy didn’t want to do that.  He’d even said right after they came out of the oven that he wanted to tell her they were laced so she could decide if she wanted one.  It was never a serious suggestion.”  
  
She turned him and cut his hands free next.  “Guys, I want you to know that you can pretty much do whatever you want to here, and out at Roy’s house.  I want you to know that I will never rat you out to the police, that you’ll have a safe place to party, and that so long as you don’t tear up anything, you’ll always be welcome here.  But if I think you’re doing something stupid, I’m gonna tell ya.  And I’m gonna set you back on the right path, because it’s no fun when you wind up in trouble.  Are we clear?”  
  
Roy answered loudest and first, “Yes, ma’am!”  
  
“Girls…  You’re welcome here anytime, too.  And for any reason at all, even you aren’t hooked up with one of these idiots.  You have a problem with some dude, you let me know.”  
  
She cut the rest of them loose, ruffling Ed’s hair.  “Sorry shorty, I know you’re probably still shaking at the thought of going to jail.”  
  
“Just don’t tell my mom,” he mumbled.  “She’s not nearly as cool as you are, Ms. Mustang.”  
  
“You guys can call me Aunt Chris,” she said with a smile. She sighed with relief, then said, “Alright, after all that commotion, I think I _really_ need some of those special brownies!”  
  
They went back in the living room, all forgiven and ready to really watch Rudolph, and Roy very honestly passed around the doctored goodies.  He watched as Riza took one and smiled at him.  When he asked if he could pass the blunt around as well, Aunt Chris gave her approval.  Riza surprised him and even took a hit of that as well, thought she coughed like holy hell and asked for a beer instead.  
  
By the end of the night, they’d started pairing off.  Ed and Ling left early to make a sale, Sciezka was sleeping in Havoc’s lap, who looked ready to drift off too.  Braeda was seated on the end of the couch, the recliner up and Aunt Chris’ head pillowed on his big thigh, seriously stoned this time and on the edge of sleep herself.  
  
And Riza was snuggled up to his side, watching _It’s a Wonderful Life_ and looking as peaceful and beautiful as an angel.  
  
“Hey,” he murmured in her ear.  She looked up at him.  “I’m really sorry about everything tonight.  I really didn’t mean for all this shit to happen like it did.”  
  
She smiled lazily.  “I’m having a great time.  Don’t worry so much.”  She closed her eyes and stretched upward-  
  
She planted a soft kiss on his lips, one he eagerly drank up.  “Really, tonight has been crazy,  but it’s been amazing too.”  She put her hand on his chest and scooted closer to him, laying her head back on his shoulder and watching the rest of the movie.  
  
“So who did you have in mind when you put that Viagra in your cigarettes?” she asked, a chuckling lilt in her voice.  
  
Too stoned to tell her anything but the truth, he answered, “You.”  
  
“I don’t think you’re gonna need it.  I’ve got faith in you.”  
  
He took a deep breath.  “I’m glad someone does.”  
  
“Get a room!” Braeda hissed.  “Some of us _want_ to see this movie!”  
  
“Maybe you better sleep on it anyway,” he whispered to her.  “You’re pretty fucked up right now.  You might feel different in the morning.”  
  
She squeezed him and Roy was sure he was going to die from how right it all felt.  Riza whispered back, “I’ve wanted to do it with you for almost a whole year.  I doubt I’ll feel different in the morning.”  
  
He licked his lips.  “Then how about New Year’s Eve.  You and me and no one else.  We’ll go to my apartment out back and ring in 2014 together.  And do it sober and straight.”  
  
“It’s a date,” she said, lacing her fingers in his.  Not long after, she finally gave in to sleeping, too.  
  
“Aunt Chris?” he called softly, honestly not expecting an answer.  
  
“Mmm?” she grunted.  
  
Roy smiled down at Riza’s sleeping face.  “Thank you for everything tonight.  I love you, I’m sorry I worried you.”  He looked over his shoulder to see Braeda running his fingers through her hair.  “This was a good party.”  
  
“Only the best for my babies,” she said with a grin.  Then she whispered, “Don’t forget _fresh_ condoms this time.”  
  
“Yes, ma’am,” she said as he gazed back at Riza.  After all was said and done, this was one of the best Christmas parties he’d been to in a long time, even if it was the craziest one as well.  Now if he could only wait until New Year’s Eve…


	7. Epilogue

**Title:** Ring it In Quietly  
 **Author/Artist:** Sonja Jade  
 **Fandom:** Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood  
 **Characters/Pairings:** Roy/Riza, Madame Christmas  
 **Disclaimer:** I do not own the characters within this story based on the series by Hiromu Arakawa  
 **Summary/Teaser:** When Roy suggested they ring in the New Year together in his bed, he didn’t think she’d take him seriously.  Technically I guess the epilogue for the Christmas Cheer Brownies series.  
 **Rating:** M  
 **Word Count:** 2,579

 

The door was locked and had the green scarf tied on the doorknob- the signal for ‘I’ve got a girl in here and I’m trying to get laid, do not disturb’.  The blinds were all let down to the floor, the curtains drawn over that, and the lights were down low.  The pool house flickered with candle light and smelled like a mix of Chinese takeout and tropical fruit, an after effect of the candles.  And Roy Mustang and Riza Hawkeye were chatting excitedly about new year’s resolutions and things they regretted about the past year.  Roy was doing his best not to think about 11:45, because that was when they were going to get in bed- because he planned to be spending the very first moment of 2014 slipping inside the girl of his dreams.

He loved the way her eyes sparkled when she laughed.  “Why are you laughing?” he asked with a grin, after telling her his resolution to get serious about finding a good college.

“Because Roy Mustang takes _absolutely nothing_ seriously!” she tittered.  “Wait! I take it back!  He takes his weed seriously!”

He sat back from the coffee table and nodded sagely, loving how she laughed even louder at his expression.  “Yes, you’d be right about that.”  He picked up the container of mu shu pork and dug out a mouthful with his chopsticks.  “And what does Little Miss Perfect plan to do about school?”

She smiled at him.  “I’ve got a full scholarship to the University of Liore.  I want to be one of the first people to go to Mars and make it habitable for humans.”

Roy gaped at her for a moment.  “Wow, that’s really something.”

She munched on her egg roll a moment, then said, “Well, it’ll be a while before that happens.  Mars is much too cold to support human life as it is right now, and there’s no vegetation or large stones to work with, let alone electricity.  Finding a way to get materials there would be the most important thing.  I’m sure once we get a few bio domes made we could start shuffling people off of Earth and into an entirely brand new life.”

Roy looked sadly into his dinner and mumbled, “I finally get to be with you and you’re talking about going to Mars…  I guess that’s the thing I regret the most, is waiting so long to ask you out.”

She set her meal aside and crawled to sit next to him in the floor.  “Roy, you just said you didn’t know what you wanted to do with your life, where you wanted go or even where to begin…  You could come with me to U of L.  Figure it out, y’know?  And maybe you’d take an interest in extraterrestrial exploration if you knew more about it.”  She brushed his bangs away from his face.  “We could be a team.  Maybe the first married couple on Mars… with the first children born there.”

Roy swallowed a whimper.  He wasn’t sure about Mars, but he was sure about her.”That sounds nice,” he murmured.

“It does,” she whispered as she closed in on his lips. 

They made out for a long time, teasing one another until they couldn't stand it any longer.  It was  only 10:53 when they lay down in his bed, and they made a valiant effort to wait until midnight, but they knew they weren’t going to make it.

“It’s almost midnight on the east coast,” Roy said as he kissed her neck.  “We could celebrate with New York instead of Central.”

Riza agreed and pulled her shirt off.  “Hurry, we’ve only got a few minutes.”

They undressed and looked at each other a moment before Roy reached into his nightstand for a fresh condom (ones he’d just bought the day before, for optimum freshness).  He rolled it down then positioned himself just outside her entrance.  Together, they watched the ball drop on Times Square on his television, an hour before it was supposed to in the city they were in.  At ten seconds, Roy prepared for entry.

“Ten,” he murmured, getting to his knees.  “Nine, eight,” he put a fat pillow under her bottom to raise her to his hips.

“Seven, six, five,” Riza counted as he parted her seam and lined up.

“Four,” they said together.  “Three, two, one…”

He glided slowly inside, her body reacting immediately to him as she breathed his name.  When he was seated deeply inside her, he tugged her legs around his waist and he kissed her.  “Happy New Year, Riza,” he whispered as he began to move.

“Happy New Year, Roy,” she responded, pulling him down for another deep kiss.  He went slow with her, wanting to draw it out as long as possible.  She writhed beneath him as Auld Lang Syne filled the room.  He came up with a rhythm she liked and she begged him not to stop.  Her sounds threatened to do him in, but he fights it.  His efforts were rewarded when she finally clenched him tightly and locked her heels at his back.

“Yes!” she squeaked.  She rolled her hips against him and it was all the push he needed to follow her over the edge. 

He disposed of the condom quickly and cleaned them both off with a baby wipe, then he tugged her into his arms, lazily kissing her as the New Yorkers continued to party.

“ _That_ …  That was amazing,” she said dazedly.

“You were amazing,” he whispered in response as he trailed his fingers up and down her warm back.  They were quiet a long time, Roy just listening to the sound of her breathing evening out as some pop group took the stage in New York City.  He felt around his nightstand for the remote and turned it down lower, then kissed the girl in his arms tenderly.

“I wonder what sex is like on Mars,” he said as he brushed her hair from her face.

“Gravity there’s a lot lighter, so you’d weigh about one third of what you do here.  But your muscles would be built up from supporting your full weight here.  You’d be like Superman,” she answered and she snuggled into his embrace.  “So sex over there would be more powerful- stronger, faster, harder- simply because we wouldn’t weigh hardly anything there.”

“Braeda would be like Mr. Armstrong over there!”  They both chuckled at that, and then Riza shifted so she could look him in the eye.

“Do you still wanna ring in the new year when it’s time _here_?  I’ve got extra condoms if you only had the one- the ones with that warming stuff on them if you wanna try them.  Can you go a second time?”

Roy smiled at her and held her cheek in his hand.  “For you, I’d do anything.”  When her cheeks burned red suddenly, he asked, “No really… I’d do _anything._   Is there anything you’d like me to do while we wait for midnight?”

She shook her head and avoided the question until finally he kissed her deeply.  He caressed her tongue with his and smoothed his hand over her hip and pressed her into his body.  When they broke for air, he murmured in her ear, “Riza, I care about you a lot.  I’ve wanted to be with you like this for as long as I can remember.  If there’s something you want me to do, trust me- it’s nothing I would deny you.”

It took her a few moments longer to finally spit it out.  She’d never had anyone go down on her.  He said he’d never done it either.  He wriggled down her body and under the covers.  “Tell me what feels good and what doesn’t,” he said, his voice no doubt muffled by the sheets.

He wished he could see her better.  As it was, he was going to have to use his instincts to guide him.  He closed his eyes and brought his fingers to her belly.  He slipped down to a patch of hair, then felt where her body divided and slipped inside a soft, warm place.  He brought his mouth down to meet his fingers.  Gently, he pulled her open, her scent not offensive or off putting in any way.  He touched the tip of his tongue to her soft folds and began to tentatively lick-

Her hips rolled immediately, her voice burst from her mouth, unrestrained and joyful.  She praised him and gave him directions (“To the left… other left… up a little- _yesss…_ ”), and he was surprised that it didn’t take as much effort as he’d heard it did.  ‘Just do what she says’, he thought to himself.

“Fingers too!” she gasped.  “Oh god, I’m gonna come soon…”

When his fingers sunk down into her shivering body, she called his name and ran her fingers through his sweaty hair.  Her hands were trembling and her hips were rocking reflexively.  He bent and suckled on a little nub, what he hoped was her clit and not her pee hole…

“ _Ohshit!_ ” she cried, just before shoving him down into her pussy and clenching his fingers inside of her with those muscles he couldn’t see.  He assaulted her erogenous zones until she gently shoved his head from her body.  He pulled his fingers out and slurped them clean with a growl of pleasure, then pried her open and licked with the flat of his tongue to drink up the delicious fluids she made. 

“Such a good learner!” she panted.  “But you’re gonna make me want more if you keep that up!”

That seemed to spark something in him and all at once he couldn’t get enough of her taste.  Two fingers went in again, pumping hard and fast as he settled on stroking that nubbin with his tongue.  She cried her approval at the ceiling and Roy’s other hand slipped up to squeeze a breast and roll her nipple.

She crested again.  He didn’t let up when she tried to shove him off, and he was rewarded with a second sudden climax.  He shimmied up her body, pausing to suckle each breast briefly, then gave her a hard and deep passionate kiss.  She rolled him easily to his back and began to kiss his chest down to his hips.  He looked at the clock- 11:48.

“It’s time to ring in the New Year again,” he breathed.

She got out of bed for just a moment, digging in her purse until she came upon a condom, then ran back to bed and unceremoniously took his half awake dick in her mouth.

“D-damn!” he gasped.

“Turnabout’s fair play,” she said, going to work on him.  Not even a full minute later he was swollen and throbbing, and she tore the condom open and rolled it down his length.  “Cross your legs, sit Indian style,” she murmured.

He did as she asked and then watched as she sat down in his lap, encasing him inside her body.  She wrapped her legs around his waist, locked her ankles behind him, and she just rolled her hips.  She was barely moving, but it felt incredible, and he was able to kiss her and hold her close to him.  He brought a breast to his mouth and gave a flickering lick to her nipple and she arched against him.  He palmed the halves of her ass and began to raise and lower her.  She used his shoulders for leverage and helped him to move her.

“So close,” Riza said with a shuddering gasp.

“Me too,” he panted back.

“Let’s come together,” she moaned as she began to squeeze him rhythmically inside her.  He reached between them and circled her clit with his thumb, all the while kissing at her neck and anywhere else he could reach.

There was no announcement when it happened.  He felt her squeezing turn into something more desperate, something stronger than what she could consciously do.  And her breathless squeak of his name at a high keening pitch- he careened over the edge.  He hung on to her for dear life as their bodies jerked reflexively against one another.

“Oh my god,” he panted into her shoulder when he found his voice again.  “Oh my _god_ , Riza…  I never…  _Damn_.”

Her arms were around his shoulders and holding his head against hers.  “This is the best night of my life,” she whispered.

“Mine too,” he said as he kissed her behind her ear.  “Is it alright if I start calling you my girlfriend?”

She laughed weakly in his ear.  “You can call me whatever you want.  I’m not going anywhere.”

His filter gone from the weed and the mind numbing sex, he said, “Can I call you wife?”

Her internal fist gripped him hard at that.  She pulled back from him and brushed his hair back again.  “Yes,” she answered before kissing him.

They slept after cleaning themselves and the bed up a little.  In the morning he made her a breakfast of pop tarts and chocolate milk, then took her up to his aunt’s house.  He knocked on her bedroom door, surprised at all that she was awake after having closed the club down on New Year’s Eve.

“I need one of Mom’s rings,” he said, his eyes clear and steady.

Aunt Chris raised an eyebrow.  “You sure?”

He smiled at her.  “Never been more sure of anything in my life.”

Together they went to her jewelry box, one of those nice ones that was like a piece of furniture rather than a chest that sat on the dresser.  She unlocked it and opened one of the drawers.  Inside was every piece of jewelry his mother had ever owned.  He called Riza over and pulled out four rings, different sizes each.  She tried on all of them, then kept going back to the ruby and diamond one.

“I like this one,” she said quietly.

“Don’t lose it,” his aunt warned her.  “If you change your mind, give it back to _me_ if you don’t want to see _him_.”

“Yes, ma’am,” she answered.

“So,” she said as she locked the cabinet back up, “is this a promise ring or something more?”

“I’m gonna marry her.”

She laughed.  “Must’ve been some night last night!”

He and Riza smiled at each other.  “You have no idea Aunt Chris.”

She smirked at him.  “ ‘If the wine is fine, wait one week’s time.  If  the sex is great, three days wait. If heads are clear, then it’s sincere.’   Being drunk and stoned and having great sex is no basis for a marriage, boy.  It’s fine to promise yourselves to each other, but make sure there’s more than that between you.”

Riza spoke up, “It’s way more than that, Aunt Chris.  He’s a good man, strong morals, kind and smart.  He’s a perfect gentleman and someone I can see spending the rest of my life with.”  She grinned side long at him, “Sure, sometimes he can be too cocky.  Sometimes he smokes too much- but he’s truly wonderful, probably because you’re a good woman and raised him up to be that way.”

Roy couldn’t believe what she’d just said.  He had no idea Riza felt that way about him.  Then he looked at his aunt in disbelief, and found her to be looking at him with the same expression.

She came to them and put her arms around both of them.  “Honey, welcome to the family.”


End file.
